Let it Be

When I started this year of “40”—the Master Year, according to numerology, based on all my numbers and stuff—I thought I would be mastering my new business: transitioning, building, stepping into my divine masculine to get it all built and done and charge forward with a huge life transition. But that’s not what I’m finding. Expectations were incorrect. 

What I’m actually finding is that I’m being called to explore more of who my divine feminine is. She’s been buried for so long. I’m learning to feel my feelings, allow others to do stuff for me, and practice life without anticipating.

I had the pleasure of attending a candlelight concert—four musicians: two violins, a viola, and a cello. Some of you may not know this about me, but I played the viola for two years in middle school. There are times I really miss it, and I found myself thinking, “Wow, maybe I should learn it again.” Maybe I will at some point. I think it would be really beautiful.

But back to the candlelight concert. First of all, I thought the candles were going to be real. I don’t know why I thought that—of course they weren’t! There were so many candles, all battery-operated, and it was magical. The music was Beatles songs on strings. "Let It Be" has been looping in my head today and gave me the idea for this week’s blog. Let it be is exactly what I’m trying to embody right now. Just being. Being without harsh words, being without judgment.

This week, I was lucky enough to meet for hypnosis—once where I went under, and once where I facilitated. Along with everything else this week, which includes kind words, channellings, and messages from friends—it helped. Because I’ve been at a low since late February. It’s felt like I’ve been trying to claw my way out of something, but even in saying that, I realize I’m judging myself. I'm placing a judgment on the experience instead of just letting it be.  

There's a moment in Soul Empowering Hypnosis (SEH) where you ask for a winged being or spirit animal to show up. During my hypnosis session on Monday, my hawk and cheetah showed up.  The cheetah represents my Human Design as a Projector, aka lots of rest and play with the ability to get things done really fast when the need is there.  Alongside it my hawk, my most trusted and primary spirit guide, although he never really says much, but tends to show up at important times in my life. Next, in the hypnosis, I was taken to the place I needed to be, which ended up being complete darkness. A void like space, but not space. Just... nothingness.  

While I was there in the blackness, the immense anxiety I’d been feeling lifted. I experienced somatic shaking-- like I sometimes experience with breathwork or EMDR. It was powerful. I felt so much better afterwards. In the same session I went from the void to where my heart needed me to be. My heart led me to a particular beach. Of course, I was at the ocean. I’ve ended up on so many different oceans throughout all my hypnosis sessions always a place of peace and calm. I was asked if anyone was there with me, at first, I didn’t think so, but the facilitator could tell I wasn’t alone. I realized I felt another soul’s presence, their love, and their words: “Don’t give up. Don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on yourself.”  Such powerful messages and healing accomplished in the session, it’s truly why I love SEH.     

Later that week I was thinking about a friend and wondering if one of our shared guides had any messages for me (since I had not been in the head space to receive them myself). The next day that very friend reached out to ask me how I was. She did indeed have a channeled message for me ready and waiting:

“The ocean doesn’t chastise the water when the tide goes out. It knows it’s a natural rhythm. It observes, and knows that it will flow back in. Try to be like the ocean—observe, but don’t be mean to yourself. Just observe the highs and the lows. And it is in the low times that the greatest change is made.”

Of course, I immediately started crying. It resonated so deeply.

 Synchronicity is amazing. I love to read — and while it’s often self-help or personal growth books, sometimes it’s just pure fun, like romance novels. This past March, blending my love of reading with my athletic side, I found myself diving into a series of hockey player romances. Somewhere along the way, I thought, "Wouldn’t it be cool to go to a hockey game?" I had lived in St. Louis for six years and had never been to a Blue’s hockey game.

I reached out to a few people—one of whom I barely knew, but we had a lot in common. Funny enough, just a week or two earlier she’d invited me to see Abraham Hicks in Kansas City, and I couldn’t make it. But the invitation opened up the line of communication again.

And that little manifestation? I had zero resistance to it. I thought, “It’d be cool to go to a game,” put it out there, and it happened. We got amazing seats to the last regular season game at a super affordable price—and it was **amazing**. Even if I was going to an event with someone I didn’t know, which past me out have balked at. The most amazing part was the clarity of it: I asked, the Universe answered, and it flowed. No resistance.

Which brings me back to Abraham Hicks. On our drive to and from St. Louis, we talked. I shared how I wasn’t feeling aligned or feeling like myself. My new found friend told me that whenever she feels that way, she starts listening to Abraham Hicks again. Funny enough several days later, YouTube even sent me a notification for a new video just posted. Instead of ignoring the video alert like normal--I watched it—and wow. It was exactly what I needed to hear, especially around my business and myself.  (Here it is in case anyone is curious here it is!

https://youtu.be/liSklJMz_BY?si=DdYcMB1UFzzLvN_B)

The anxiety I’d had the week before was so intense, so crippling, I was having panic attacks. The Abraham Hicks clip reminded me to follow my joy. But even now, I criticize myself for what brings me joy. “It’s lazy.” “Relaxing is bad.” These are the thoughts I’m working to rewire.

This week, I’ve been trying to catch those thoughts, even the deeply ingrained ones. Trying to rephrase them: 

It’s okay to rest. 

It’s okay to read. 

It’s okay to follow your joy, even if it’s not producing anything. 

It’s okay to take a break from your run/walk regimen. 

Even as I write that, I feel that little jolt of anxiety: “No, no, no—you must do, do, do!” But I’m trying so hard to rewire it. And it’s getting easier. Every day, a little easier.

Because what we tell ourselves becomes our truth. I have to remind myself: It’s easy. It’s ok.  It’s allowed. You are enough. You are worth it.

After watching those Abraham Hicks clips, I facilitated a hypnosis session. Sometimes the pretalk and set up are just as important as the actual session, because the client had also watched the same video. When I took the client under, she immediately ended up in the Akashic Records. While the session was for her, as always, it held messages I needed to hear too.

The Records told her: 

It’s okay to just be. 

Remove harshness. 

To find alignment, remove judgment. 

Do what you love. 

Spiral upward slowly.

Again, I was reminded that I’ve been pushing uphill, it didn’t feel quite right—the LLC, the business—I now understand it’s not going anywhere it is still active even if I am not actively pushing. But my priority this year is me. My health. My joy. Follow the joy, I had turned hypnosis and healing from joy into pressure/work and thus it was no longer in alignment.

 And just like that, I felt clarity. I’m learning to let it be.

In EMDR this week, my therapist said, “It’s recommended that you take one month of rest for every year you’ve been in a critical, judgmental, harsh relationship.” And it hit me: that critical relationship has been me with me. I have been the harsh, critical voice, for as long as I can remember. So, I have a lot of months of rest coming to me, almost like permission needed.

Because my goal—my ultimate goal—is to calm my nervous system. To exist without my subconscious and body sending me into panic. My ultimate goal to be joyful, restful, and healthy.  

And while I’ve probably written about this theme before, I know it’ll keep coming up as I continue this work. Because the truth is, it feels so foreign to not be striving toward something. It makes me feel speechless. Untethered. But that’s exactly the work: feeling content without constantly striving.

One day, it will feel natural. One day, I’ll just be. I’ll speak kindly to myself when I rest or when I make a mistake, I’ll give my nervous system space to breathe. And I am well aware this is all rearing its head with vengeance now because I am 3 months anti-anxiety med free. I love being off of those meds even though I have been feeling the angst of the anxiety more intense lately. I know this is the right path for me and I will be able to work thru it.

Imagine my horror last week in the critical judgment part of my brain when I didn’t post a blog. It was the first one I’d missed since December and it would have been fine except, I judged myself for taking the break. The reality of it is I didn’t post one, and it is okay.  

I’m heading back to an ocean in May. And even now, writing this, I feel energy entering my crown on the left side and tears welling into my eyes for some unknown reason. My hope is that I will leave there on an upswing, but I am learning to flow and go without expectations…… When it comes down to it, I need to keep allowing. Following my joy. Just like that Beatles song I heard on those beautiful strings; I’m doing my best to... let it be.