Merry Go Round

This week, someone asked me for an Akashic Records reading—not because they couldn’t do it themselves, but because they felt blocked from accessing their own wisdom. I opened the records for them, and they got exactly what they needed to hear. It resonated deeply. With time still left in the session, they offered to read for me. I hadn’t planned on receiving anything—I didn’t have questions ready—but I said, “Sure, go for it.”

Interestingly, what came through mirrored things I’d already been processing. Just the day before, I had woken up with this strange, persistent anxiety. I hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet, and there it was—pulsing through me. I have been working more late shifts recently, so I gave myself permission to rest and lounge that morning, trying to drift back to sleep, but every time I did, the anxiety jolted me awake. It wasn’t tied to anything concrete—no upcoming events or stressors. I couldn’t make sense of it.

Then the next day, Monday, same thing—woke up with inexplicable anxiety. Historically, my anxiety shows up around performance: Is someone mad at me? Did I mess something up or will a major event I am going to/being a part of go ok? But this felt different—there were no triggers, no pressure. Still, the anxiety lingered.

When my friend opened my Akashic Records for me, she immediately felt sick—nauseous even. That physical reaction, we realized, was her experiencing my energy. My anxiety. And what came through in the reading floored me.

The anxiety wasn’t about anything external. It was being driven by *unconscious beliefs*—that I wasn’t doing enough, that I was wasting time by resting instead of working or being productive. Judgement and Unrealistic expectations. The Akashic Records showed me I was at a tipping point—like a teeter-totter—between my old pattern of self-judgment and a new pattern rooted in self-love. And I keep tipping back and forth as I lean into the new thought pattern and yet sometimes still tip back into the harsh critical thinking.

This internal conflict is so deeply ingrained that when I finally let myself enjoy something, a part of me kicks in to say, “You’re not allowed to feel good. You should be doing more.” And it literally makes me sick.

The core message I received was to lean into self-love.

They even gave me a practical visualization: Treat every day like it’s your birthday. Give yourself grace, self-compassion, and the freedom to show up like I normally do around my birthday. This makes so much sense, especially since I have written about feeing “in a lull since late February”. Since our thoughts shape our reality, what if I chose to believe: Today is already amazing, and I’m already enough, let go of unrealistic expectations.

This revelation echoed something I’d recently read from Bashar, a well-known channeler. Bashar says that fear and anxiety are simply messengers—indicators that your beliefs aren’t aligned with your true self. That deeply resonated. I’ve spent so much of my life goal setting, overthinking, trying to “figure it all out.” Now, I’m being invited to live from my heart—a completely new approach. It feels awkward and uncertain, like a baby deer learning to walk. But it’s also honest and real.

I’m noticing that when I shift into alignment, life feels more like a slow-moving merry-go-round. There’s no chasing. What’s meant for me just shows up, in its own time, with ease and what’s not meant for you slowly slides off the merry-go-round.

The records confirmed that self-love is one of my core life lessons—something I feel I have been seeking since high school. Not the surface-level kind of self-love, but a deeper acceptance: peace, joy, presence. And when I’m in that space, even the things I “should” do feel less like obligations and more like desires.

One practical takeaway is the records encouraged me to regularly write down all my “shoulds,” burn the list, and release that energy. It’s a ritual of letting go.

The good news is now I know what this anxiety is, it’s not random. It’s a sign that I’ve temporarily lost touch with my heart. But now, I can name it, meet it with compassion, and choose differently.

Healing and self-growth aren't clean, linear processes. We don’t flip a switch and suddenly become heart-centered beings overnight. It’s more like learning a new language—one built on self-trust, rest, and grace. Some days you'll embody it beautifully. Other days, old beliefs will whisper that you're not doing enough. That's okay.

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s presence. It’s practicing self-love even when it's hard. And maybe most importantly, it’s releasing the idea that you're supposed to have it all figured out.

Your only job? Keep showing up—gently, honestly, and with compassion for where you are right now.